Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
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then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
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Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
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