my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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