I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
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