I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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