My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Randomize
