i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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