I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Randomize
