What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
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