You just made me feel so damn special
She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
