He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Randomize
