I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
This is my gift to your gina
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Randomize
