new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
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