I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
