So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
