dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
