During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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