How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
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I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
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This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
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