Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Randomize
