im drinking this country out of the recession.
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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