So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
try to milk me bitch
Randomize
