You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
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