quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
