They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Randomize
