insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
Randomize
