Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Megan Fox is the only woman I would let pee on me.
I'm similar. She's the only woman I'd ask to pee on me.
Ok yeah you're right. I'd ASK Megan Fox to pee on me. I'd ALLOW Erin Andrews to pee on me if she asked.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
