omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize
