Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Randomize
