I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
So not only did team sweden fail to particpate in any drinking game but i also found puke in my viking helmet this morning.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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