Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
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