Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
