i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
Randomize
