I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
