you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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