Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
