What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Randomize
