i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Randomize
