He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
These tits shall not be calmed
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Randomize
