Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
Everclear isn't food dammit
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
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