You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
i hope someone procrastinates by putting up the pics up...
sarah said she can't even post all of hers due to facebook indecency rules
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
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