Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Randomize
