When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Randomize
