it was a shit show
We all have our days. But yours might be on the internet.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Randomize
