Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Reggie can tackle my bush.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Randomize
