12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
