i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
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