ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
