While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
Randomize
