You smell like a Billy Joel song
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
My vagina just recognized that song.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
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