I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
we're so committed to being not committed
Randomize
