i wish there were pregnant emoticons
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
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