I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
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