i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
