remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
Randomize
