Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
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