I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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