Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
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