too bad you live with your parents still
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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