p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
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