Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Randomize
