Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
